blog crush?

is this a possible thing, a blog crush?

i was perusing down in the meadow, a blog by Suzane, a Waldorf homeschooling/crafting moma out in South Africa and i was systematically making my way through the links she has of the blogs she follows and i found Sara at farmama. *sigh* i had to start at the beginning of her blog so i didn't miss anything. i am humbled and amazed by this woman, her husband, their children, and dedication to family and farm. i am inspired.

i've been deliberating about homeschooling and reading her blog put me over. i can do it. it would be fun, BUT before i jump in with both feet i have to see a couple things through. i had put in an application with anthropologie, and got an interview for next week. why, you ask, when everything else about me is green crunchy waldorf and family? cause i love beautiful things (i just rolled my eyes at myself), i love to create, and then there's the money thing.

it's all kind of wrapped up in the decision of what to do for our family and school for the boys.

we have three options that i can see:

1.  me get a job, all three boys go to the Waldorf school in Northridge. it's a lot of money. then there's the what to do with the boys for all those breaks from school and summer. yikes, more money!

2. me get a job, the older two boys go to Mariposa, find childcare for M3. school is public Waldorf inspired, but childcare for M3 is money. honey :) same as 1 for the breaks

3. me homeschool. the money for homeschool would be insignificant when measured against what we were spending for HHWS. hmmm no extra money out the door for childcare for breaks and whatnot...

what do i want. i would like to be home with the boys. now this is earth shattering and a lot of growth for me. previously i could not wait for school. to get them all out the door and finally have time for myself again. this is just one of my many diversionary tactics to avoid dealing with myself though. last year i started to feel the urge to do more, be more for our family and to connect more with the boys. M3 was a baby though and the thought of homeschooling and having to give him so much of my attention, i felt like i would be failing the older boys with the attention they needed for their schooling. this year has been very different though. i don't know when i started just wanting to have them here and dreading the drive out to school. i worked it out so that we are carpooling, which is nice, but even doing that is getting old and i just want M1 home. the last break we had was nice. granted it wasn't perfect, but neither am i, but it was much smoother than it ever was in the past and i was really looking forward to it. Spring Break is coming up the end of March and i'm really looking forward to that. :)

when i made the decision to homeschool yesterday morning i started contacting Waldorf homeschooling families here to start a group. you know, getting together for one block of something, all ages, and just having a day of it. gardening, handwork, etc....i am really excited about the prospects of doing it with the boys and taking it down to a fundamental Steiner philosophy of including the children in the meaningful work of taking care of the family home and at the same time naturally integrating their minds, hearts, and hands. then, the interview phone call that afternoon.

i believe everything happens for a reason. i set the job thing in motion and now i don't want to do it. am i chickening out? my intuition is telling me that being home with them is what i need, to slow down, live in the present, and enjoy them in all their innocence and wisdom.

i fear telling J that i've changed my mind. he gets so frustrated with my wishy-washiness. which i can understand. i tend to react emotionally to situations and don't clearly think things out, or if presented with a more attractive option i will go with that. cause i didn't think of it in the first place and it just makes more sense. but to him i'm being contrary.

so i had half decided to just let it ride, but as i'm hammering this out right now i believe i know what to do and that's have the conversation with J and see what he thinks. this trust, making decisions together for the best of the family thing is tough.

wish me luck.