as i sit here at 430pm avoiding making dinner, but searching my girl Karina's website for inspiration, i am completely drained. i mean seriously wiped out. ugh! the thought of all this dinner business doesn't do me any good. the thought of going in the kitchen to whip something up, *sigh*, is just not appealing. where is my home chef today? ha! well if i had a chef then i damn well better have a trainer. :) as i have none of those things i am going to have to schlep into the kitchen.
for xmas i got J guitar lessons. actually i traded for them. i am trading massage for lessons. it's a really good trade. J is so happy with his lessons and i am pretty sure V is happy with the massage she got this am. it certainly wasn't perfect. the boys were running around interrupting. we got a really late start, but i got to cuddle and hold a lovely 3 month old girl with the most amazing hazel eyes. oh it was so precious. i thought, hmm maybe one more, but then i came to my senses. one more. who knows what we would get, boy or girl. someone else attached to my breasts for the next 2+ years. the sleep thing...oh yeah. she can be as cute as she wants to be, for HER family. :) i did enjoy myself though.
so i don't know if it's the crazy morning, giving the massage, the half ass lunch i had...i don't know. damn Oprah for having the Chipotle guy on her show. all i want is a bowl.....wait for it....from Chipotle. not the other kind, but right at this moment i could care less. ;) i will say that her show on food was pretty good, but she really needs to have more than one show and she needs to go a little more in depth to show people where their food is coming from and how it's processes.
M2's birthday party is on Saturday. i am not prepared for it. the avocados i picked from our tree are no where near ready, so i am going to have to come up with another plan for food, other than Mexican Chocolate Cake. that reminds me i still have to get the pinata...oh man i need to make another list and start hammering stuff out.
i have avoided 2 auditions this week. i am excited by the prospect of going to it, getting the job and making money. i am not excited with taking the boys, feeling like i'm wasting gas, and not getting any kind of feedback. i get that this is a process, but it's kinda lost on me right now and i just don't feel up to putting myself out there. i feel like i need a vacation from my life ~ or maybe just a day to myself might heal this melancholic feeling.
it's definitely a rambling, this one...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
quagmire
i find myself struggling with school. we love school. i think all kids should want to go to school. grumbling and crying about missing a day should make our hearts all warm and fuzzy, cause then we know they LOVE school. we love the philosophy of Waldorf education. i appreciate all the things i have learned under their wing and know that i'm a better parent for it. i wish that tuition wasn't so expensive and rising every year. when i look at the future with three boys to put through school, 15 years for each boy, an hour drive there and back, twice a day, and that's with out considerations for after school practices and performances ~ whew, it's mind boggling and kind of freaking me out.
last year we decided that we would home school M1 for first grade. our Kindy teacher pleaded with me not to do it, extolling the virtues and values of first grade and our to-be teacher KTL. she was right. M1's teacher is amazing and i don't know what we would do with out him. he's a guru and wonderfully talented, but he hasn't decided whether to return for second grade or for the future period. this leaves me with a dilemma. one of the reasons i decided it was best for him to come back to Waldorf for first, was that the two younger boys were just that younger. M3 was a baby last year and he really needed me a lot. he's coming up on 2 years this Spring, so now i'm thinking maybe now is the time to reconsider homeschooling.
fear. this is my greatest detractor. will i be able to provide M1 with all the things he would be getting at an established Waldorf school. i don't want to short change him, but i also don't want to gyp M2 from the opportunity his older brother has already had by being able to go to school and get the foundation of Waldorf in a formal setting.
part of me feels as though it would be so freeing to have all of them home and doing a Waldorf inspired uneducation. learning hands on, being able to socialize with other Waldorf minded families, and not having the hustle and bustle that going to school creates. there are things i would have to do to succeed in this venture. i would have to be organized and have daily goals. there could be none of this slacking that i do now where nothing gets done all day cause i'm searching the web finding all kinds of cute crafts that i'm not going to do. i say not going to do cause i don't have the time, but it's mostly because i manage (or don't) my time horribly. i have a lighter heart when i think of them being here, forcing me to step up, be a better person and parent. making me accountable to them, their education, and myself. is that too much to wrap into such a simple thing as homeschooling? i am known (perhaps only to myself) for having huge unattainable expectations and having just as high expectations for myself.. i will need a support group.
*sigh*
then there's the to-be Kindergartner. what do i need to do to start him on a school loving path? i have an idea already of asking M1's teacher for his lesson plans for 2nd grade. perhaps i could ask our favorite Kindy teacher for her's as well. can i juggle both grades at the same time, or kind of mesh the two together when possible so that everyone is having a good time, including M3. hmm food for thought.
partial musings of today...
last year we decided that we would home school M1 for first grade. our Kindy teacher pleaded with me not to do it, extolling the virtues and values of first grade and our to-be teacher KTL. she was right. M1's teacher is amazing and i don't know what we would do with out him. he's a guru and wonderfully talented, but he hasn't decided whether to return for second grade or for the future period. this leaves me with a dilemma. one of the reasons i decided it was best for him to come back to Waldorf for first, was that the two younger boys were just that younger. M3 was a baby last year and he really needed me a lot. he's coming up on 2 years this Spring, so now i'm thinking maybe now is the time to reconsider homeschooling.
fear. this is my greatest detractor. will i be able to provide M1 with all the things he would be getting at an established Waldorf school. i don't want to short change him, but i also don't want to gyp M2 from the opportunity his older brother has already had by being able to go to school and get the foundation of Waldorf in a formal setting.
part of me feels as though it would be so freeing to have all of them home and doing a Waldorf inspired uneducation. learning hands on, being able to socialize with other Waldorf minded families, and not having the hustle and bustle that going to school creates. there are things i would have to do to succeed in this venture. i would have to be organized and have daily goals. there could be none of this slacking that i do now where nothing gets done all day cause i'm searching the web finding all kinds of cute crafts that i'm not going to do. i say not going to do cause i don't have the time, but it's mostly because i manage (or don't) my time horribly. i have a lighter heart when i think of them being here, forcing me to step up, be a better person and parent. making me accountable to them, their education, and myself. is that too much to wrap into such a simple thing as homeschooling? i am known (perhaps only to myself) for having huge unattainable expectations and having just as high expectations for myself.. i will need a support group.
*sigh*
then there's the to-be Kindergartner. what do i need to do to start him on a school loving path? i have an idea already of asking M1's teacher for his lesson plans for 2nd grade. perhaps i could ask our favorite Kindy teacher for her's as well. can i juggle both grades at the same time, or kind of mesh the two together when possible so that everyone is having a good time, including M3. hmm food for thought.
partial musings of today...
the beginning
it's an interesting thing starting a blog. crazy to think that all the stuff in my head is going to be in black and white and what that means exactly. as my husband is so Fiercely saying now a days, "What are you pretending not to know?" (Susan Scott) my point being that once it's in out there, written, out for public viewing, i can no longer pretend not to know or notice or not do anything. it's an action device, this blog. to goose me into actions, to not let my Virgo procrastination get the better of me...well we shall see.
as i sit here this morning listening to my boys play, yell at one another, and antagonize their short-tempered mother, i am reminded of the simple things. the simple things that i avoid doing, that would make my life so much less frustrating. little things like, not creating one more project (this blog) to detract me from the boys, housework, and everything else. my rationalization will kick in here saying that i need a place, somewhere to be me. have my time. *shrug* so i created it. eating the right things for my body. figuring out a menu that i don't discard with in a couple days of creating. having one on one time with each boy and making it count. cuddling with my J, so he know's he's my one.
i have this visualization in my head of what i'd like for us to be as a family. most days it gets lost in me. i don't step up and make it happen. i antagonize my children by not being present. the one little thing that they want and crave. well to that end it's not just them it's my husband too...to sit and be present, to listen, truly listen, with out already trying to figure out where he's going, how to answer, what i'm going to say before he has even finished his thought. why is that so hard? so hard for me to give him the validation and time he's looking for when i would give that to a friend *snap* just like that. seems so wrong and twisted. yet i repeat this over and over again, much to his frustration.
so this isn't all doom and gloom. Corinne Baily Rae's new album "The Sea" is out and i'm listening to that at i type this...love her first album immensely. reminded me so much of when i lived in the UK. that seems forever ago, and yet it's still so fresh in my memories. it's an awesome album. dark and light at the same time. you can feel her lament the loss of her husband.
seems as though we have lost our M3 for a moment only for him to be found in my room, spraying "something" says my M1. all three of them are here now, rifling through the computer desk drawer...always on the look out for something they can come back later and take. ug! "Hat Coat, Shoes" everyone outside!
oh the drama of the 4 year old M2. pushing the boundaries, trying to find his new spot. i feel for the middle child having watched both my mother and brother struggle with their birth placement. it's my believe that our children pick us for their parents. we have as much to learn from them as they have to learn from us. sometimes our lessons are more than theirs. so they know coming in the grand picture, where they are going to be, i think it's the parents who have to honor and support each child to help them to their potential "wholeness". not our vision of what we want for them, but what they want and who they want to be. i think my own mother still struggles with how her oldest (me) is not how she wanted me to be. my potential and innocence was lost as a child and now i struggle to make those things right and find my wholeness.
so there we are. a musing or a rambling?
as i sit here this morning listening to my boys play, yell at one another, and antagonize their short-tempered mother, i am reminded of the simple things. the simple things that i avoid doing, that would make my life so much less frustrating. little things like, not creating one more project (this blog) to detract me from the boys, housework, and everything else. my rationalization will kick in here saying that i need a place, somewhere to be me. have my time. *shrug* so i created it. eating the right things for my body. figuring out a menu that i don't discard with in a couple days of creating. having one on one time with each boy and making it count. cuddling with my J, so he know's he's my one.
i have this visualization in my head of what i'd like for us to be as a family. most days it gets lost in me. i don't step up and make it happen. i antagonize my children by not being present. the one little thing that they want and crave. well to that end it's not just them it's my husband too...to sit and be present, to listen, truly listen, with out already trying to figure out where he's going, how to answer, what i'm going to say before he has even finished his thought. why is that so hard? so hard for me to give him the validation and time he's looking for when i would give that to a friend *snap* just like that. seems so wrong and twisted. yet i repeat this over and over again, much to his frustration.
so this isn't all doom and gloom. Corinne Baily Rae's new album "The Sea" is out and i'm listening to that at i type this...love her first album immensely. reminded me so much of when i lived in the UK. that seems forever ago, and yet it's still so fresh in my memories. it's an awesome album. dark and light at the same time. you can feel her lament the loss of her husband.
seems as though we have lost our M3 for a moment only for him to be found in my room, spraying "something" says my M1. all three of them are here now, rifling through the computer desk drawer...always on the look out for something they can come back later and take. ug! "Hat Coat, Shoes" everyone outside!
oh the drama of the 4 year old M2. pushing the boundaries, trying to find his new spot. i feel for the middle child having watched both my mother and brother struggle with their birth placement. it's my believe that our children pick us for their parents. we have as much to learn from them as they have to learn from us. sometimes our lessons are more than theirs. so they know coming in the grand picture, where they are going to be, i think it's the parents who have to honor and support each child to help them to their potential "wholeness". not our vision of what we want for them, but what they want and who they want to be. i think my own mother still struggles with how her oldest (me) is not how she wanted me to be. my potential and innocence was lost as a child and now i struggle to make those things right and find my wholeness.
so there we are. a musing or a rambling?
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