the beginning

  it's an interesting thing starting a blog. crazy to think that all the stuff in my head is going to be in black and white and what that means exactly. as my husband is so Fiercely saying now a days, "What are you pretending not to know?" (Susan Scott) my point being that once it's in out there, written, out for public viewing, i can no longer pretend not to know or notice or not do anything. it's an action device, this blog. to goose me into actions, to not let my Virgo procrastination get the better of me...well we shall see.
  as i sit here this morning listening to my boys play, yell at one another, and antagonize their short-tempered mother, i am reminded of the simple things. the simple things that i avoid doing, that would make my life so much less frustrating. little things like, not creating one more project (this blog) to detract me from the boys, housework, and everything else. my rationalization will kick in here saying that i need a place, somewhere to be me. have my time. *shrug* so i created it. eating the right things for my body. figuring out a menu that i don't discard with in a couple days of creating. having one on one time with each boy and making it count. cuddling with my J, so he know's he's my one.
  i have this visualization in my head of what i'd like for us to be as a family. most days it gets lost in me. i don't step up and make it happen. i antagonize my children by not being present. the one little thing that they want and crave. well to that end it's not just them it's my husband too...to sit and be present, to listen, truly listen, with out already trying to figure out where he's going, how to answer, what i'm going to say before he has even finished his thought. why is that so hard? so hard for me to give him the validation and time he's looking for when i would give that to a friend *snap* just like that. seems so wrong and twisted. yet i repeat this over and over again, much to his frustration.
  so this isn't all doom and gloom. Corinne Baily Rae's new album "The Sea" is out and i'm listening to that at i type this...love her first album immensely. reminded me so much of when i lived in the UK. that seems forever ago, and yet it's still so fresh in my memories. it's an awesome album. dark and light at the same time. you can feel her lament the loss of her husband.
  seems as though we have lost our M3 for a moment only for him to be found in my room, spraying "something" says my M1. all three of them are here now, rifling through the computer desk drawer...always on the look out for something they can come back later and take. ug! "Hat Coat, Shoes" everyone outside!
  oh the drama of the 4 year old M2. pushing the boundaries, trying to find his new spot. i feel for the middle child having watched both my mother and brother struggle with their birth placement. it's my believe that our children pick us for their parents. we have as much to learn from them as they have to learn from us. sometimes our lessons are more than theirs. so they know coming in the grand picture, where they are going to be, i think it's the parents who have to honor and support each child to help them to their potential "wholeness". not our vision of what we want for them, but what they want and who they want to be. i think my own mother still struggles with how her oldest (me) is not how she wanted me to be. my potential and innocence was lost as a child and now i struggle to make those things right and find my wholeness.
  so there we are. a musing or a rambling?